It’s weird because it feels like I could be social and yet there are so many aspects of communities where I just don’t really feel like I fit in or my presence is welcome. That feeling happens in less communities than others but 99% of the time I join a community, then leave, because I just fail to connect at all at any kind of level.

And clearly, not everyone experiences this. For instance, pretty much every forum or community has a core set of “well-known” members that have always been there. It’s quite impressive. Maybe everyone experiences small aspects of it, and it’s likely that some people feel more like an outsider than others. It’s hard to know what others feel because I rarely hear others’ experiences on the difficulty of socializing.

So here are 15 things about my personality that are certainly barriers to socialization:

1. It’s hard for me to really focus on any one topic. Talking about one topic for a sustained period of time just bores me, and especially when outside influences aren’t being brought in. I absolutely thrive off of different topics colliding into each other.
2. I don’t feel like I need an opinion on everything, which eliminates a lot of conversation starters. For that matter, there are a lot of things in this world where if you asked me for an opinion, I’d simply respond “I don’t know”.
3. And even if I did have an opinion, I feel wrong talking to everyone about what I think for too much, as it would feel like it’s about me. Lately I’ve gotten hyper-aware of how much I say “I”, like even in this note.
4. I don’t even know what questions to ask about one’s hobby.
5. It’s hard for me to formulate responses when it’s clear that people have a fundamentally different way of thinking about a certain topic than I do. For instance, to talk about color would probably require me vomiting a whole textbook worth of stuff about color science before we could be on the same page. More commonly, it’s really hard for me to talk about fonts because I see fonts very differently than most.
6. Social media isn’t a good environment for meaningful interactions and yet that’s the only place where people are aware of my existence. If they are even aware at all (I’ve been lucky on Mastodon, not so lucky on Bluesky, for instance).
7. It might be a chicken-and-egg problem, in the sense that I’m starting with zero friends from social media or that actively interact with my art stuff.
8. Finding good relationships is pretty much like finding a needle in a haystack. That means it takes a huge amount of time. And I spend most of my time making things, resulting in little time to make my presence known, and significantly hurting my chances.
9. A lot of my beliefs are being manifested into long-term projects which means I’m restraining myself from saying things that could pique people’s interest more. But I’d rather turn it into actual things people can play with, than making my thoughts into word soups. (There’s usefulness in talking about it, but making a tool to embody it is more powerful.)
10. It has not even been a year since this existence on the Internet! Especially on Fedi, and for how short I’ve been on here, I’m not doing too damn bad! Might take years to make friends.
11. I’m afraid of pestering or annoying people, sometimes afraid of asking questions that are obvious to them.
12. I’m too easily repulsed to certain topics. If a conversation is going on and it goes into a topic I really don’t like, I just leave and stop feeling like I’m fit for them. This particularly happens if a conversation becomes sexual.
13. Most people’s stuff (like art) just doesn’t resonate with me. Like yeah, I admire the effort put into it, but I just don’t have anything to say about it.
14. I don’t really have much to show yet, apart from a bunch of random short animations and the fact that I have a website. Currently I just look like yet another mediocre artist.
15. I only want to say something when no one else is likely to say it and when I think it could be meaningful to someone. Or I want to ask a question that’s as meaningful as possible. And I only want to say these things when I really mean it.

Having laid out all these theories, it’s no wonder that I have trouble feeling like I belong anywhere. And in theory it’s okay to not belong anywhere, but in practice it’s starting to take an emotional toll. Maybe there are things I change about my outlook of others to be more social.

This also plays a lot into why I don’t interact much on other people’s websites. The vast majority of small websites talk about websites or programming, and as nice as it is to see that stuff, I’m kinda tired of seeing that stuff over and over again, and I don’t have anything to say about that stuff. Beyond that, people’s stuff looks great but again, I just have trouble finding anything to say about it.

Going a little more in-depth point by point:

1. Considering that the interplay of different disciplines is a fundamental part of who I am, I don’t really want to force myself into changing that. Some communities are more specific than others, and usually I’m more likely to stay in communities that embrace outside topics, or are more general in theme. Ironically, I’ve felt the most home in a community about a specific kind of programming language, but largely because I have the space to talk about my own projects.
2. I also think it’s perfectly OK to not have an opinion on everything, and maybe using personal opinions as a platform for conversation starting isn’t the right approach anyway.
3. What if I’m more aware by my use of “I” than everyone else may be? What if people actually want to know what I have to say? Maybe this isn’t something I should worry about.
4. If in doubt, maybe saying “Tell me more about your hobby!” could do the trick.
5. I usually ignore these conversations if I’m not already in them. It’s a much better solution than going around and criticizing everyone’s beliefs. But maybe if I’m asked to be involved in the conversation, I’d try to be as polite as possible, and if I feel that I can’t really wrap my head around the conversation because I see the topic too differently, I’ll tell them. And I’d try to keep my POV of the topic as short and sweet as possible, and as relevant to the conversation.
6. Sadly this kind of thing isn’t really anything I can do about. It’s very much out of my control. But it’s definitely possible that I’m generally more likely to find relationships in some avenues than others. Some people only have a website and are completely off social media, such that whatever interactions they do get are more likely to be meaningful. I believe them when they talk about their experiences with this, but with the kind of stuff I make and the kind of mission I have, this path isn’t for me. But there may be other paths more suitable for meaningful interactions compared to the platforms I’m currently on now.
7. This might be true in some aspects and false in others. True in the instance of being publicly known, but probably not when it comes to building relationships. Like you don’t exponentially get more friends.
8. I actually do think it’s better to spend more time creating. I don’t really want to change that.
9. This is a balance between short-term and long-term, in a sense. I’m holding onto things I could be saying in the hopes that I will eventually arrive with something more meaningful. I think I’m going to plan out both “quick-and-dirty” projects and long-term projects. This isn’t just about gaining popularity, but I do often enjoy the results of a good quick-and-dirty project as well.
10. This is just simply a matter of time.
11. I am definitely not the only one to feel this, and it’s more likely that I’m not annoying. So I need to stop worrying about this.
12. I think it’s okay to be repulsed to certain topics. I will absolutely defend my aversion to sexual topics.
13. I can’t force myself to like something. Saying “nice work!” feels very not personal, but maybe the person behind that work will find it more meaningful than I would.
14. I only say this because unfortunately, in social circles, that’s basically how it works. But I’m working on it.
15. This kinda relates to all those conversations about “interesting things” that are practically locked away because they were said on Discord. But the thing is that something you say that may not be profound to you, may be profound to someone else. We all find different comments interesting or not interesting. So maybe I don’t have to be as concerned with what I say, as long as it’s not hateful or immoral or anything actually bad, of course. Maybe this concern has arisen from the fact that my animations have gotten quite the engagement on Mastodon, but in the end no one cares if I post a bunch of “meaningless” stuff and in fact it may not be meaningless at all.

Maybe I need to be more conscious about talking to people. It’s almost as if talking to anyone and everyone has become so easy with the Internet, that we overlook the opportunities we have to talk to people! Isn’t that crazy?